...la vida loca...

Yay! My first tagging! And I got double tagged! So here it is....


4 things I was doing 10 years ago... 1998
1. I had been working at the hospital for only one year!
2. Revving myself up for the Utah Jazz and their second run at an NBA title. That didn't work out so well for either of us.
3. Had just gotten an internet machine and was learning the joys of online friends and email.
4. Oh man, I was only 28! For reals, not how I tell people now that I am 29...still.


4 things I was doing 5 years ago...2003
1. Still working at the hospital.
2. Being in love with Donavon.(i know, gag)
3. Being super sad face because John Stockton retired from the Utah Jazz, soon to be followed by that traitor Karl Malone. Bad bad day in Tracytown.
4. Started school again. AGAIN. Someday I will finish.


4 things I did yesterday...
1. Went to my sisters house so her daughter could scream at my daughter and my daughter could stand around and cry if anyone looked at her.
2. Cleaned my house.
3. Went tanning. (Spare me the lecture, I need to be brown sometimes.)
4. Went grocery shopping.


4 shows I like...
1. CSI:Crime Scene Investigation. But ONLY that one. Hate CSI:Miami and that stupid guy who stars in it.
2. Law & Order:SVU or CI.
3. Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.
4. Just Shoot Me.


My biggest 4 joys of the moment...
1. The weather. That was a joke, it's actually snowing. :(
2. My kids. My Princess P is actually saving me from crazy right now.
3. My house is clean. All of it. From carpets to baseboards to walls to ceilings.
4. The Jazz are hanging on in the first round of the playoffs. I use the words hanging on rather loosely in this situation, but they are still there. We will see what tomorrow night brings.

Well, as I understand it, I am now supposed to tag some people to play. Since I know really no one, other than the 2 who already tagged me, I will pick Rae, who I kind of "know" from Amy's page, and Queen Goob, who I "kind" of know from Bonnie's page. Or really, anyone who may read this and want to play, just let me know, because I love to read others' responses. It's kind of a cool way to get to know someone.

So okay. This post is all about my fabulosity, Kailey.

I am not sure how exactly I missed giving birth to her, but I must have had some really good drugs, because I don't remember the actual pregnancy, birth, nor the giving of her to the Nicholls family. But somehow, some way it MUST have happened. Because she is me, except younger and cuter.

So this is her.




Awww....she's so cute and sweet. Totally cheerleader.

Now this. This is a picture showing the REAL Kailey. I love this picture. Her true personality is BLAZING through in this one.




Oh yeah. That right there says it all.

The above pictured gun is apparently what Kailey did for her senior project. She built that AR-15. Like BUILT it. That also gives some insight into her awesomosity. I love her, she's great.

She is an enigma. She looks like a cheerleader, but has the personality of Adolf Hitler. Actually, she looks all Aryan too, like maybe Hitler created her in his laboratory.

When she first started working with me, she says I hated her. I didn't. I was just afraid she would start crying if I looked at or talked to her because she looked like such a prissy little princess. Ha. Little did I know.

People think I am mean, which I kind of am, but I got nothing on Kailey. She is easily as mean if not meaner than me, and she's only 18! Which means by the time she is my age she will be ready for world domination. Of which I will be glad, because believe you me, when that happens, stupid is gonna hurt.

It took me 38 years but I found my evil twin. I could not have created someone more like me on purpose. She says totally funny things that make me laugh more than anyone. She makes my work totally fun even though the wicked witch and her flying monkey get all butt hurt when we laugh. Like it's our fault we are so much more fabulous than they are?

The name Kailey so does not fit her. Kailey is a bouncy sweet rah-rah, i love everyone and yay team kind of name. I kind of think her name should be Gretchen. Or possibly Marge.

A boy at work said she looks like a cheerleader until she opens her mouth. Yeah, that's so totally true, even though he is stupid as ever and that's the only smart thing I have ever heard him say.

She totally "gets it." Like I don't even have to say anything, I can just look at her and she knows what I am thinking, most times I will look but then I don't dare look again because she will make me laugh out loud. There have been a couple of times where I actually have slipped and laughed right at a customer because Kailey is standing there and I know she is thinking almost exactly what I am thinking.

So yeah, I pretty much thank my lucky everything every single day that I found her, or that she found me, or whatever. Work and my life would suck suck suck without her. A lot lot lot.

~Appetizer~
Name a color you find soothing.

Blue.

~Soup~
Using 20 or less words, describe your first driving experience.

Oh wow. Me? Horses Ass. My siblings? Giggling Assholes. Says it all.

~Salad~
What material is your favorite item of clothing made out of?

Cotton.

~Main Course~
Who is a great singer or musician who, if they were to come to your town for a concert, you would spend the night outside waiting for tickets to see?

Oh man. I want to say someone, but in reality, there is not much I would spend the night outside to see. What can I say? I am lazy and I love sleep.

~Dessert~
What is the most frequent letter of the alphabet in your whole name (first, middle, maiden, last, etc.)?

Looks like the N's have it. That sucks. I hate N.

It's Ian Ziering. He's hot. Yes, I know he was on Beverly Hills 90210, but don't judge him. He has a great smile.

Karl Malone. He deserted us. But he still has great guns. The thing with Karl is this. He's hot. Until he opens his mouth. Or smiles. Plus he's kind of a big whiny baby. I still love him, but if I were actually out somewhere with him in public, I would probably have to say, "don't say anything, just stand there and look pretty. And put your hand on my boob."

Gil Grissom. Hot and smart. Love him, especially bearded him. He hardly ever smiles, that's awesome.

Chris Farley. Man, nothing attracts me more than a man who can make me laugh. Plus I usually like men who are bigger than me. I would have married you Chris, you didn't have to go to prostitutes and be a crackhead. Damn you.

Cosmo Kramer. Again, big part of the attraction here, makes me laugh.

Stephen King. Damn, what a dork. But I love him. I want to marry you Stephen, so you can tell me stories every night while I fall asleep. I would love to have just one conversation with this guy, my mind boggles at his genius. And that's attractive.

Steven Tyler....Yes, he's ass. A lot. Probably one of the uglier members of the male species, but holy hell, is he sexy. Just something about him.

HATE IT...

Jack Black. Dude, there will NEVER be another Chris Farley. Get over it.

Ryan Seacrest. He bugs me.

George W. Hate him, and not because he is an unattractive person. Because he is stupid. And a jackass.

Oh Luke Perry. For starters, you could screen a movie on his forehead. Also, he weighs about a hundred pounds, and I just can't get bothered about a guy with a 22-inch waist.

Captain Jack Sparrow. You know, not being much into pirates or these stupid movies, I won't pretend to understand their hygiene situation, but damn, it's called soap, look into it.

Justin Timberlake. Ugh, I don't think I even need to say anything. This fabulous picture says it all for me. Wait, I lied. "Hey, Timberlake, you're WHITE. Deal with it."

This is an actual letter written by Wendi Aarons of Texas to Proctor & Gamble. It was chosen as PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter. It makes me laugh.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

The other night, being bugged beyond belief by my stupid S key being not so good, I decide to just get it over with and call Dell. After all, I do have a warranty, I was just fairly sure that it did not cover accidents caused by 2 year olds.

I really hate talking to tech support persons who don't speak English very well. I feel stupid when I have to keep saying "what?" I despise it. But I am desperate. So at 1 in the morning I decide to bite the bullet and call.

When I get a hold of them, the automated lady (which is an entirely different problem I have) tells me that my estimated wait is 18 minutes. Dammit. But wait, the automated lady is telling me I can do this online with a live chat with a tech support member. I decide to try this, why not? I might as well do something while I am waiting for 18 minutes. I click on the "live chat" link and a new window opens up and MOHIT signs on to talk with me.

Mohit proceeds to do some sort of online magic, between his (her?)computer and mine to find out what computer I am using, and my account and warranty information. When that is established Mohit asks me to describe the problem.

I didn't want to necessarily LIE, but I started saying my S key and space bar were messed up and the F3 key is falling off. I don't exactly mention why they aren't working, but before I am even done explaining, Mohit says "Tracy in this case, we will send you a new keyboard."

The Hell? I didn't even have to try and decide whether or not to lie and say it came this way, he/she didn't even ask how it happened.

So I say okay, he/she asks for my address to verify, sends me a link with instructions on how to change it when it gets here, tells me 3-5 business days and asks me if there is anything else he/she can help me with. Wow! Seriously 5 minutes from start to finish with the live chat.

Dell called Saturday morning and the automated lady informed me the part had been shipped. I am expecting it to be here tomorrow, which means I am happy. A lot.

I highly reccommend the live chat in any situations where it is possible. I could tell a little that Mohit's first language was not English, but not EVEN as noticeable as it would be in a real conversation. It was super easy and super fast, with no language barrier AT ALL. I will definitely use this function from now on.

So YAY ME! YAY MOHIT! YAY DELL! But mostly, YAY ME!

Appetizer
Invent a new flower; give it a name and describe it.

Wow. My first Friday's feast and I get this question. I am not creative enough to think of this.

Soup
Name someone whom you think has a wonderful voice.

Kat Von D. I LOVE the way her voice sounds, like she has been screaming for hours. Kirstie Alley also has a voice like this.

Salad
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how clean do you keep your car?

Probably anywhere from 5-8. I try and keep it clean, my kids seem to use it as a garbage dump.

Main Course
How do you feel about poetry?

I don't mind some poetry as long as it makes me feel something. If it's the kind where it's so confusing and no one really knows what the meaning is, but everyone sits around and gets all angsty about it, then no thanks.

Dessert
What was the last person/place/thing you took a picture of?

No surprise here, but I took a picture of Miss Piper while she was sleeping last night.

It's pretty well established that I have no life. Therefore, I derive much of my entertainment from the tv. I'm proud of it. This is a huge happy night for me because of this:

And This...





That's right, it's the casts of CSI:Crime Scene Investigation & Without A Trace, returning tonight after what I think was around 10 years of writers strike.

It's about time. It's been a long boring spell of reruns for me. Well, and Bret Michaels: Rock of Love 2.


Incidentally, If I were ever going to, you know, "play for the other team" this would hopefully be my life partner.

Ah, Catherine Willows...my tv girlfriend.

**The above is in no way meant to imply that I am a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that. However, just because I am heterosexual does not mean I don't appreciate the hotness of certain women. **

I continue to be plagued by high school robots and cheerleaders, but whereas before, it was mostly the girl robots and cheerleaders who were being and saying stupid things, an unsettling new trend is on the horizon. The boys seem to be coming from behind, trying their damndest to take the title. I don’t even know. But they’re dumb.

Por Exemplo:

1. A boy walks up to the counter and decides to maximize his jackassery by giving me hand signals to help describe to me what he is seeking, which was cheese bread. Which by the way, we have not made since the start of summer. When we did make it, it was made like a pizza, cut into triangles. So this boy, who has his hair bleached the color of a wet floor sign, starts doing some kind of strange robot/stroke/i’m choking on my own vomit hand gestures which were, I suppose, meant to indicate cheese bread.

At this point, I say to Kailey, "what the HELL was that?" The boy then says something blah blah, GOOD GODFREY! blah blah, JUST BECAUSE I’M IN HIGH SCHOOL DOESN’T MEAN I’M DUMB."

Oh you foolish little ass...I beg to differ.

Some other random boys. These boys come in EVERY day, I am not kidding. They run from the front door all 4-year-old like and push and shove each other around causing mayhem and confusion while they wait. Well, sometime between the time they order their lunch and the next day, the hard drive is erased and they seem to have forgotten everything about their previous experiences. So they decide to ask us how much Orange Chicken is. To hell with the fact that they have eaten it every day since 9th grade, to hell with the fact that the prices are CLEARLY posted. It’s a brand new day for these genuises.

They ask,"how much is orange chicken?" Kailey and I proceed to tell them it is $200 per pound. Which of course leaves them speechless while their ears send this information slowly to their overworked brains. Then, because Kailey and I are such nice girls and are never mean or sarcastic to these particular boys, their brains send back the signal that of course, this must be true. That’s right, they believed. I should have told them to drink the "magic" kool-aid.

Gymnasts. All of them.

Earlier in the week one of my least favorite frequent fliers, BOBO, came in. She is actually called Bobo 2, but that’s a different story. So anyway, Bobo comes in, rides her cart over to the deli where I am putting chicken into the hot case. Now, only fresh chicken goes into the hot case. Dur. We fry it, then bring it up front on a cart, and throw it in the hot case.

Bobo, being the annoying tool she is, asks me, "do you have any FRESH chicken?" Well, i don’t know, Bobo, is 3000 degrees and still SCREAMING from the indignities of being breaded and fried FRESH enough for you?

She gets a 10-piece and proceeds to motor away, presumably to annoy someone else, but alas, it isn’t long before she is back to bother me again by making me walk up to the front to hand her a soda cup, although all our cups are where customers can help themselves and she could have reached her own had she been willing to I don't know, stand up from the electric cart she is riding around the store.

She can walk fine, I have seen her do it one day when someone WHO COULDN'T WALK had the carts, but she will ride the cart if she can, which makes me mad because I have seen several people that seriously could barely walk but they were walking because BoBo, who can walk as well as I can was hogging up the cart. She's like a little kid. I did not see her again that day, but something tells me i haven’t seen the back of her. And that something is the fact that i see her damn near every day.

Some stupid man. Our special on Monday was Chicken Fajitas. We fixed one up and cut it in bite size pieces and set it on the counter so our awesome and super smart customers could sample it if they were so inclined. Why? I don’t know, all it did was provide a forum for more questions. Not a good move.

Anyway, said stupid man walks up, asks what the special is, is told what the special is, again, in full view of a "TODAYS SPECIAL" sign. After being told what the special is, he asks if these samples are of the special. We say yes. He asks, "is it good?" When informed that he is more than welcome to try the samples to see if in fact, it is good, he gets a look on his face like we had informed him we had just killed a kitten. He managed an amazing I’m going to cry/puke/i just peed on my shoes look. I couldn’t help myself, I was quite fascinated with his facial expression. In the end he decided he would just get the special, without even trying it. I feel I have to give him points for keeping Kristi and myself fully occupied for at least 5 minutes. Well played, sir. Well played.

The point thus far? Boys are dumb.

In other deli news, Jessica our Princess of Pirate Whore Island manager had her baby last week. At home. In her bathtub. With her other six kids watching.

Then she brought the baby to Lee’s to visit the next morning when the baby was 10 hours old. In the winter. With her husband(who is not the babydaddy).

The new baby’s name is Destini Rose. I am pretty sure she is going to have to start stripping as soon as legally possible. In fact, I might buy her a teeny pair of pasties and a little baby pole, just to move along what is pretty much inevitable given her name.

All this and my hell, it’s only Wednesday. How did my life end up like this?

This is a video of one of the few moments in basketball where I nearly peed my pants and got tears in my eyes at the same time.

I, like everyone, get pissed at bad calls, "unfair refs", stupid shots etc. but I usually remain fairly calm and mostly immobile on the couch unless it's down to the wire and it's a real ass clencher. Then I sit up. But THIS? This was me jumping up and down screaming, running out into the driveway and screaming some more.It's special to me not only as a long time John Stockton & Utah Jazz fan, but for personal reasons as well. This one will go down in history for me as BEST. SHOT. EVER.

Now seriously, don't send me messages saying "But Tracy! John Stockton was the dirtiest player in the NBA LOL!11!!!!11!"

I don't want to hear what a dirty player he was, how he set illegal picks and elbowed other players in the kidneys. I don't want to hear what a flopper he was, I don't want to hear about his tiny shorts. Believe me, in 25 years as a Jazz fan, I have heard them all. I don't want to hear that he hit the shot in this video because Malone set an illegal screen on Clyde Drexler, I've heard it before.

Drexler and Barkley were PWNED by Stockton and Malone. Neither Barkley or Drexler was in their rookie season, they had each had PLENTY of experience playing against Utah. Seriously, did they honestly think Malone would NOT set a huge screen, legal or otherwise and that Bryon Russell would NOT inbound the ball to a WIDE OPEN John Stockton, one of the best shooters on the team? Please. PLEASE.I could have called that play in.

Say what you will (just not to me) but John Stockton is THE best point guard to ever play the game.

Talk amongst yourselves...

I am a big believer in karma. I totally subscribe to the "what goes around comes around" theory. That being said, I am not sure what possessed me to laugh at naughty things other peoples children do. One set of children in particular who have done several, well ok a lot, of things that I have laughed and laughed at. I have been laughing all week at my cousins son, D-Man because he painted up their house with purple paint. Hilarious right? Yeah, I thought so too.

Among other things, they have poured a gallon of milk down the stairs, poured bleach down the laundry chute, hijacked their parents first aid kit and cut a hole in their tent with tiny scissors, pushed the screens out the window into the back yard in order to "see the outside", poured nail polish in each others hair and unscrewed and took the striker plates off the doors. And most of this is just recently. They are actually pretty awesome kids and I love them. However, laughing was my downfall. And laugh I did.

Karma bit me right in the butt earlier tonight when my princess, Piper, pulled half the keys off my laptop. That I have had less than a month. That I haven't even made the first payment on.
I left the room and she pulled a chair over to where it was sitting on the counter, opened it and when I walked back in was flipping the keys off and throwing them behind the couch. Hilarious right? Not so much.

We got the keys back on and they mostly work ok. Some of them she actually broke the piece under the key so there was really no way to fix them. The space bar is weird, it's kind of hard to push, the !/1 key is weird, and the S key is messed up a little as is the left hand SHIFT key. You have to push them really hard or they don't work. You know, those keys you don't use a whole lot, like SHIFT or space. Or S. I never really paid attention to how many words actually contain the letter S, but it's a lot.

I don't know if I should send it back to Dell and have them fix the whole keyboard. I hate to have this problem with it when I just barely got it, but I don't know how much that would even cost, I'm sure it's more money that I actually have right now. Also, if you have ever called Dell's tech support, you know that the chances of getting anyone whose first language is English are slim to none. I hate calling their tech support. So I am not sure what to do now, but I am a really sad panda.

And Bonnie, if you are reading this, please laugh and laugh. Laugh 'til you puke. Then call your friends and family and tell them and laugh some more. Then call me up and laugh like a big old donkey into the phone. Seriously. I deserve it.

Oh and if anyone is interested in a baby girl, I just might be persuaded to sell her to the first person who shows up with a 6-pack of Mountain Dew and a package of goldfish crackers.

So okay. Say what you will about how you hate cats. Laugh and make jokes about how the only good cat is a dead cat. But then don’t stand around all Surprisey McWhatTheHellHappened face when I blow up your house.

Anyway, last week. Tuesday. Bad day. Early Tuesday morning I let my cat outside. Normally he goes out and does his thing, then comes back. When I say "his thing" don’t assume I mean nasty things, he’s been fixed, because like Bob Barker told me to do, I have my pets spayed or neutered. He just goes out to pee and stuff. Then returns. Except not this time. He never came back and still wasn’t back at 7, when I got up for work.

This may not seem like a long time, but this is a 13 year old, lazy fat cat who doesn’t get too far from his food bowl. Ever. So he has been gone 6 hours and I am freaking out.

Here is his picture. His name is Tabasco and he is pretty damn fabulous. He has thumbs, which is proving quite handy for the lessons i am giving him in how to shoot a rifle. Anyway...








Then I call around to the vet’s offices in town, of which there are many. No one has seen him. The panic level dials up to eleven, but I decided since I am at work, i should maybe, i don’t know, do some work. Which brings us to...




I have heard this fish story before. The fish was 14 years old and she was so sad when it died that she was crying at work like the crazy old fool she is. At the time, I was trying not to laugh in her pig face so I walked away and didn’t get the whole story. Well today, lucky me, I get details.
When she told me the first time, I was picturing some cute little cool fish in my head, you know, like a clownfish or something. Something you might actually enjoy and like looking at. Like this.




But no. No, no, no. Not for our girl Vicki. I find out to my utter dismay that the fish we are talking about is a Plecostamus. Yeah, the sucker fish. Which looks like this...(and this is a pretty damn good looking one as far as these ugly things go.)




Oh wait. That's Keith Richards. THIS is the Plecostamus.




(by the way, this is GERALD, and his owner seems to have an entire webpage chronicling his activities, which is assosity in the extreme. Whatever.)

Anyway, Vicki's dead 14 year old fish is the sucker fish. If you have ever seen one up close you know why this is freaking me out. Everyone knows they are a necessary evil in a fish tank, just as everyone knows they are the mockery and the lowest rung on the ladder in the fish kingdom. No one likes them. They suck.

Why she thinks its appropriate to compare her stupid pond scum sucking assfish to my awesome and super bad ass cat is beyond me.

I finally leave work and come home to spend a few hours yelling for Tabasco and walking around my neighborhood looking in ditches for him, with no success. My brother even came over to help me look since Tabasco used to be his baby until he was adopted into the House of Fabulous.

Around 6 that night, I finally come in the house and am just trying to get stuff done but not really concentrating much.

And then! There is a knock at my door and my neighbor Mark (who because of this incident might be my new boyfriend) is standing there with Tabasco!! My hell! I was so excited I screamed and did the pee-pee dance. Tabasco jumped out of Mark’s arms and ran like his ass was ablaze to his food. Which he then proceeded to eat for around 2 hours. Between sleeping that is.

I don’t know where he was, he won’t tell me, but he has shown absolutely no interest in going out again since so it must not have been the great time he thought it would be.

Ok, this blog is really long and not so much funny, which normally isn’t my style so i will end it here by saying Tabasco has an appointment tomorrow to get microchipped. Don’t judge me.