...la vida loca...

Movin' on, yo.

2008-11-03T18:45:00.002-07:00

So, ok. Hopefully no one gets butthurt by this, haha. But I have a confession to make. I really really HATE blogspot. In my opinion, it's just HARD! Now, I am fully willing to admit that maybe I am just dumb, but it just seems so NOT user-friendly.

So....I am going to move my blog over to wordpress. I have used it for other blogs and it is SO much easier for me to navigate.

I am going to leave this one here, but just start a new one over there. The new blog address is tracylondon.wordpress.com.

Please have pity on the dumb girl and still read her blog!

Much thanks,
Tracy

I hate you Michael Landon.

2008-09-06T22:59:00.003-06:00

I don't know how many of you know this, but I have a very strong love/hate relationship with Little House on The Prairie. The tv show, not the books. I loved the books. Still do. The tv show, not so much.

The show is a mess. When I say I have a love/hate relationship, I mean I love to hate it. I still watch it religiously cause it's so fun to make fun of. If you have watched it much, you know it is not the fluffy light pleasant family fare Michael Landon made it out to be. Horrible things happen on that prairie. Terrifying plagues, deaths, fires, floods, rapes, you name it, they have it. Most of these episode are written and directed by Michael Landon, who while pretty hot, was obviously crazy.

Anyway, some people, including myself, have started a Little House blog where we you know, snark on Little House. So you all should go there if you want and pass the word if there are other unfans of Little House, the tv show. If you love Little House and/or Michael Landon you don't have to go.

It's at "olsensmercantile.wordpress.com" and my username i post under is "MLINEGIRL." Again, sorry I don't know how to just link that in here.

Check it out if you want.

For someone so smart, he is sorta dumb.

2008-09-06T16:04:00.003-06:00

So yesterday, I am sitting at work, most likely listening to someone make death threats because their bill was $3.00 higher this month when my cell phone starts ringing but I can't answer it because I'm on a call. I look at the cell phone, it's my mom. Then, my sister starts calling, at this point I kind of start wondering what's going on. Then my sister texts me telling me to call her ASAP. I do my best to get rid of the caller and decide to take my break a little early to find out what's up. I call my sister, she doesn't answer, so I call me mom and she tells me Nick wrecked his scooter and is in the Emergency Room. Well. At this point I start to freak, not only because it scared me so bad but also because when Nick was three, we got in a really bad car accident and he had a very scary head injury. Like scary to the point that when they left Logan in Lifeflight, they told me he wasn't going to make it, and if he did, he would most likely be a vegetable.

To make a long and horrible story short, we got to Primary Childrens Hospital and in what can only be considered a miracle, Nick was ok. He stayed there for about a week, but the doctors said another head injury later in life could kill him.

Back to my original story. This freaked me out because I know that as smart as Nicholas is, he doesn't wear a helmet. Well, my mom says he is beat up pretty bad and is seeing a dark spot in one eye, so I leave work and go to the hospital. We insisted they give him a CT scan because of aforementioned head injury. Everything came out okay, thank goodness, other than Nick looking like he has been through a meat grinder and being pretty beat up.

Here is a picture of his face in the Emergency Room. The whole left side of his body pretty much looks this way also. All of you, please email him at Nickolars@msn.com and tell him to WEAR A DAMN HELMET!!

I hate you, CBS.

2008-08-22T23:50:00.005-06:00

So apparently, THIS:

Has been replaced by THIS:

I discovered this news early this morning when I got to work and had an email from Jon, who knows the depths of my love for Grissom. I don't even know what to say, other than there is a good chance CSI will have one less viewer this season. First Warrick, now Grissom? It's safe to say the hotness of the Las Vegas Crime Lab just went down by about eleventy million degrees.

I have NEVER liked Laurence Fishburne. Something about him freaks me out and he's not pretty like Grissom. In fact, he's kind of ass.

I don't even think Catherine Willows my TV girlfriend is enough to make me return. Seriously guys, I am so sad about this. I'm also pretty sure I should, I don't know, get a life or something. Don't judge me.

Show yourselves.

2008-08-07T22:15:00.005-06:00

I just want to say, if you are going to read my blog, leave me a comment. I am not smart enough to put some thing on here that will tell me who has been looking or how many. I'm lucky I can get a picture in here.

But seriously, I like comments, leave some.

"Bonnie, you are wanted on the phone."

2008-08-07T21:49:00.004-06:00

So this No TV thing is really helping to boost my blogging activity. The new DVR actually came today, but you would not even believe the amount of instructions this thing had. It's totally a boy job. I took one look, put it back in the box and asked Nick to do it tomorrow. Which sucks for tonight, but I am too tired to worry much about it right now.

Okay, here is something funny that happened this weekend. I have been laughing about it on and off since. The same night as my hellish introduction into the world of Polly Pocket, as mentioned on Bonnie's page, but which I am too stupid to link to, this happened.

As we were moving into the kitchen to check out the Pollies, Bonnie, my cousin who before this incident I always thought was kind of smart, sees THIS on the counter.

So Bonnie picks it up, and says to me, "is this your phone?" And she is serious. Nick and I, of course, were like "the hell?" And I said, "No, that's my car keys."

Now in all fairness, I feel I must point out that at the time, the key part was in, making it look like the picture on the left, not the one on the right. It was also 2:30 in the morning. But still, it's pretty damn tiny, and you know, has the VW logo on the side.

So the rest of the night, we kept picking up the car key and pretending to answer it, which was totally so hilarious at the time, but I am thinking might not be so funny now. Wait, it's still pretty funny even now, but I am nowhere near the level of hysteria I was right then.

Oh Bonnie, you silly girl. Thanks for making us laugh with that fabulous question and your Polly Pockets 101 course. It was great.

I hate you Dish Network.

2008-08-07T00:08:00.002-06:00

So I get home from my weekend trip Monday night, after what seemed like 1 million hours in the car. It's late, around 10 p.m. The regularly scheduled evening edition of the Piper Nicole show starts, the cat is going crazy, kids are talking, car needs to be unpacked, which I hate, clothes washed for work the next day, etc. You know the drill.

Well, I make my way into my bedroom to make the bed. Yes, I do it at night before I get in, I don't know. So I get in the bedroom and what do I hear but some whiny, screeching fan sound somewhere around the TV.

I check it out and it's my DVR receiver for my Dish Network. Not good. Panic starts to set in, my fingers start to go numb and my breathing becomes shallow. See, TV is my life.

I turn on the TV, which I can't even hear because the stupid noise the receiver is making is so loud and annoying, but the worst part is this...I press the DVR button to access my recordings and get some weird error message telling me that feature is not available and unplugging and replugging the receiver might or might not reset it. Whatever. With every electronic item I have ever owned when something goes wrong, the advice is always the same, unplug and replug, yet funny thing, it has never worked for me. And of course, it didn't this time either.

So because I am not doing anything at all, like trying to get Piper to settle down, or laundry or even trying to take a bath, I calll Dish Network Tech Support and random girl who answers the phone right off the bat tells me to unplug and plug. Sigh. Well, her luck isn't any better than mine, it doesn't work. More freaking on my part.

Random Tech Girl says they will send me out a new DVR, which I am thinking okay, that's good. But then it got bad. I asked her how long and she says 3 to 5 BUSINESS DAYS. Wait, what? That's forever! I can't watch TV at all and more importantly, I can't watch any of my recorded shows. This is really bad because I HATE HATE HATE Live TV. A lot.

I offer to pay for expedited shipping, preferrably overnight. Nope, can't get it here any faster, 3 to 5 business days it is. Now I ask you, this is the year 2008. We can get a man pregnant, make a car run on some stank oil from McDonalds, clone a damn sheep, but can't get a DVR from Texas to Utah in less than 3 to 5 business days??? My hell, this could take till next week!

My next plan is maybe I can just go to a Dish Network store here in town and give them my old one and get a new one. But no, that isn't how it works either.

But then it gets worse. Random Tech Girl informs me that I have lost all my recorded programs! And I had worked so hard on this. I lost all my Seinfelds, all my Law and Order, the Season Finale of CSI which I hadn't even watched yet, my favorite movie The Wedding Singer, all of it. I have to start over. I'm so bummed.

And so far this week, I have missed The Office, a ton of Law and Order, a ton of Seinfeld and if it isn't here tomorrow, I will miss the start of the Olympics.

This has been quite traumatic for me. I love getting Piper to sleep and watching TV until I fall asleep. So now I have been falling asleep really early every night, which I think just makes me more tired.

I am really happy Dish Network will replace the DVR for me at no cost, don't get me wrong, but seriously, I probably could have driven to Texas and picked it up faster than this.

It's been almost 3 full days, I am starting to feel like I might make it through, the withdrawals aren't as strong, at least not until I think about how many shows I am going to lose. There were things recorded on there that I have had since 2005 when I got Dish Network.

Anyway, just looking this over, I am wondering why I am thinking anyone reading this would even care, haha. So I am going to stop whining about this now and I guess just go to sleep.

A few things I don't love...

2008-08-06T22:49:00.004-06:00

1. CUSTOMERS. OF SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS COMPANY I WONT NAME FOR FEAR OF LEGAL ACTION.

Seriously, just shut the hell up. Screaming at me, calling me names, swearing at me and telling me you hope my house burns down and everyone I love is inside just isn't going to make me want to bend over backwards to remove that $1.25 directory assistance call that NO ONE at your house made.

It's amazing how many millions of people have long distance charges that miraculously they know nothing about. Sure, I totally understand how all those collect calls WHICH NO ONE ACCEPTED show up on your bill. Especially when I can see that said collect calls lasted 25 minutes. Oh yes, I know, NO ONE IS HOME AT YOUR HOUSE ever at the exact time those collect calls were made, so of course NO ONE COULD ACCEPT THEM. Funny how those collect calls work though. As in, THEY DON'T, AT ALL, unless someone accepts them.

If you even knew how many calls I take a week about the phantom long distance bandits, you would totally feel like a big old jackass for even trying to get away with that. Hell, at least try and think up a new story. That way you just might get some credits for being fabulous. Okay, no, you won't. Just kidding. But stop it, it's gay.

2. WHEN YOU SEE A CHARGE LABELED "FEDERAL TAX", IT'S SAFE TO GO AHEAD AND ASSUME THE FEDERAL FREAKING GOVERNMENT IS CHARGING YOU.

I know, I know. Living in America and all, it's hard to imagine the Federal Government taxing you for things. Like services. And purchases. It's mind boggling.
Of course, I could just ignore the fact that you JUST DROPPED IN FROM MARS, and therefore are struggling with the idea of taxes, but sometimes I find the strength within myself to try and explain that federal and state taxes are voted on by the constituency of said state, but I can only hear so many times, "But, I didn't vote!" before my skin gets all rashy and I start to eat my own hair.

You didn't vote? Then just shut your damn cakehole.

And for the record, I cannot anyway anyhow remove FEDERAL taxes. Seriously, if I had that superpower do you really think I would be wasting my time and my considerable talents doing this for a living?"

3. AH, THE DREADED 900/976 CHARGES.

Actually, these are almost my favorite calls and it's a shame I don't get them more often. Yes, Customer, of course I understand that your husband/son/nephew/dog/whatever would NEVER EVER do something like call a 900 number! So please, argue with me about it for a half hour or so while calling me names, letting me know that you know the company is trying to sneak these charges onto your bill, thinking you will be too embarrassed to call and dispute these naughty charges, but that you, the customer, are onto the company and they are not getting away with it while you are around.

But wait...Here's the dealy-o, Nancy Drew.

Those 900/976 people aren't so stupid. They record the FIRST THREE MINUTES of every single call made. So this means of course, that I get to transfer you to said 900 company and listen as you get your ass handed to you when you hear those first three minutes containing none other than the voice of blah blah Nasty McPervy Pants that would NEVER make that call. And then I laugh at you. And probably talk about you at break.

4. AND LAST, BUT OH MY GOSH, CERTAINLY NOT LEAST.

When you call to dispute charges and I explain them to you, at which point you go all crazy and screamy on me and tell me you are NOT paying, please, PLEASE don't ever assume that I really give a damn. Because I don't. If you don't pay your bill, guess what? I could not EVEN care less. It makes no difference to me, I get paid regardless. You aren't hurting me or even making me feel sad face when you say "well, I won't pay this." Again, who cares? It will be your service that gets disconnected, your butt that gets kicked to collections, your new car you won't be able to finance because you just had to show your ass. Again, me? DOES.NOT.CARE.

Okay, so I could literally go on for days. But I think I have most of it out of my system for now. I don't want to get too crazy because the people at this job are definitely a little more computer savvy than the fools that work at Lee's Marketplace and I don't want to get in trouble.

But there will be more....oh yes, there will be more.

I'm pretty sure that "middle child" thing is an urban legend. Like Walt Disney.

2008-07-28T23:18:00.005-06:00

I love this picture. Love it so much. This is Tyler, who is still my baby. But this picture is Tyler to a T. I think of all my kids, Tyler has the personality most like mine. Neither one of us is very into meeting new people, we kind of have tough guy attitudes, we laugh at the same things and we like most of the same TV shows, like The Office. We LOVE The Office.

Tyler makes me laugh. I love him so much. He has such a strong personality. For the first few years of his life, I didn't know if I was going to make it. This kid could throw a fit like nobody's business. Seriously, he could have given lessons. And stubborn??? I'm pretty sure his picture is still in the dictionary next to that word. He wanted it the way he wanted it and no one was changing his mind.

The whole time he was showing his ass though, it was just somehow so funny, I would have to walk away more than once to avoid laughing right at him. He has a gift for attracting people to him no matter what he is acting like. Everyone loves him. Every year at Parent/Teacher conference, I hear about how popular Tyler is. I heard it in preschool, I heard it in elementary school, I hear it in middle school. It's great.

Tyler taught me one of the biggest lessons I have learned in my life. And that is "don't sweat the small stuff." From Tyler I learned that it doesn't matter how many times he shaved half his eyebrow off, or cut his hair, or wore the craziest outfits known to man. At the end of the day, who really cares if Tyler wore Nick's cowboy boots with newspapers stuffed in the toes? Is anyone going to remember that Tyler had on 15 different patterns of plaid in one outfit? Or that he clogged at least 3 different toilets with items he would put in and stir with the plunger while he made his "soup?"

I heard a phrase recently that reminded me of Tyler. "The days are long, but the years go quickly." I learned the truth in this phrase from Tyler as well. I think I am a much more patient and tolerant mom since Tyler came along. I had to be, haha, his personality was always stronger than mine. :)

I love him for teaching me things I may not have learned otherwise. Tyler is great, I couldn't ask for a better kid.

TWENTY YEARS??!? Are you serious?

2008-07-28T22:58:00.004-06:00

So here is a picture of my main man, foreign exchange student from the old country, Luigi VonTrapp. Wait, what? Just kidding, that's Nick, regular student from the new country but still my main man.

Nick was TWENTY YEARS OLD last Friday. Yes, TWENTY. Two decades since Nick was born. Wow. See, here's the thing about Nick. He's one of the most awesome and funny people I know, and I don't say that about many. He says really funny things that make me laugh. He is fun to hang out with, we can go do stuff and it's like he is my best friend. Well, maybe my only friend, haha. But I do stuff with him more than anyone it seems like.

At the time Nick was born, I was only 18, two years younger than he is now, which blows my mind. I don't know that it was the most popular choice that I keep him, but I felt strongly that I wanted to more than anything and when I look back I know I made the right decision. He has become all things I would hope he would be. He is kind, caring, great with kids and in love with his little sister. He does what I ask him and helps me out all the time. When he was younger he wanted to play in the Major Leagues. I just wanted him to grow up to be a nice guy who knows how to treat women and he has done that. I am so proud of him.

I almost lost him once, and I am so grateful we had another chance, a chance for me to see him grow up to be all the things I wanted for him and see things I wanted him to see. I will never forget how close I came to not knowing him at all. I can never express the gratitude I feel for that gift.

So twenty years have gone by, I don't know where the hell they went, but gone they are. And never once do I regret the choice I made to keep this boy around. I don't know what I would do without him.

I love you Nick, a lot. Happy Birthday!

Miss Baby America, I presume?

2008-07-28T22:46:00.003-06:00

Now I ask you...if that is NOT a Princess with a capital P, I don't know what is. Look at that girl. Every day I wonder how exactly I got lucky enough to get her and thank my lucky stars that she came to me. She has her moments, definitely a little headstrong, but she is just so beautiful, so smart and so funny. She's great!

She's a POTTY TRAIN!!

2008-07-10T10:16:00.002-06:00

So I think I have mentioned before that there have been a few different times I have made a half-hearted effort to do the potty training thing with Miss Piper. It would go ok for an hour or so, she would tell me she needed to pee, then get up from the toilet and pee on the floor. Or she would put around 13 pairs of panties on at the same time and then pee through all of them. She just wasn't that interested. So because I am basically lazy, I didn't push it.

Well, about two weeks ago she decided one night that she wanted to wear panties, so we threw some on. She told me every time she needed to go, which was kind of a surprise but ok, that works.

The surprising part though, is from that minute, she has worn panties every day and has not had an accident at all. She just decided to do it and she did. Yeah, that says a lot about her personality. I seem to breed children who come hell or high water are going to do what they want, when they want, on their terms. I can't decide if this is a good or bad thing.

Anyway, so now she is a potty train! That's what she tells everyone, "I'm a potty train!"

See, I don't believe in forcing kids to potty train when they aren't ready, I am a firm believer in the school of it's a ton easier and less stressful for everyone if they are ready and want to do it.

And to prove my point, look at that, she was trained in one day. Yay Piper!

You want a ticket to the gun show??? Um, yes please.

2008-06-20T18:36:00.003-06:00

So yeah, I don't know how much I need to say about this here picture. I seem to have lost all ability to form coherent sentences.

All I ever wanted...

2008-06-12T17:36:00.002-06:00

So right now, all I want is for the Lakers to lose to the Celtics in the NBA finals. I don't think that's too much to ask. I'm a nice girl. I hate to say hate(not really, I kind of love to say hate) but oh my gosh I HATE THE LAKERS.

And if Kobe Bryant ended up with maybe a broken leg? Oh wait, what? Not really. But I hate him more than anyone. I don't really wish him a broken leg, only because if he's injured, the Lakers will blame their loss on the fact that Kobe was injured, and cry alot about how bad their lives suck.

I want him to keep playing, but not scoring. That alone will be punishment enough, because he thinks he's so fabulous.

I don't even like the Celtics that much. But seriously, GOOOOOO CELTICS!

That is all. Carry on.

What is this, how you say? Tag?

2008-04-30T20:37:00.005-06:00

Yay! My first tagging! And I got double tagged! So here it is....

4 things I was doing 10 years ago... 1998
1. I had been working at the hospital for only one year!
2. Revving myself up for the Utah Jazz and their second run at an NBA title. That didn't work out so well for either of us.
3. Had just gotten an internet machine and was learning the joys of online friends and email.
4. Oh man, I was only 28! For reals, not how I tell people now that I am 29...still.

4 things I was doing 5 years ago...2003
1. Still working at the hospital.
2. Being in love with Donavon.(i know, gag)
3. Being super sad face because John Stockton retired from the Utah Jazz, soon to be followed by that traitor Karl Malone. Bad bad day in Tracytown.
4. Started school again. AGAIN. Someday I will finish.

4 things I did yesterday...
1. Went to my sisters house so her daughter could scream at my daughter and my daughter could stand around and cry if anyone looked at her.
2. Cleaned my house.
3. Went tanning. (Spare me the lecture, I need to be brown sometimes.)
4. Went grocery shopping.

4 shows I like...
1. CSI:Crime Scene Investigation. But ONLY that one. Hate CSI:Miami and that stupid guy who stars in it.
2. Law & Order:SVU or CI.
3. Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.
4. Just Shoot Me.

My biggest 4 joys of the moment...
1. The weather. That was a joke, it's actually snowing. :(
2. My kids. My Princess P is actually saving me from crazy right now.
3. My house is clean. All of it. From carpets to baseboards to walls to ceilings.
4. The Jazz are hanging on in the first round of the playoffs. I use the words hanging on rather loosely in this situation, but they are still there. We will see what tomorrow night brings.

Well, as I understand it, I am now supposed to tag some people to play. Since I know really no one, other than the 2 who already tagged me, I will pick Rae, who I kind of "know" from Amy's page, and Queen Goob, who I "kind" of know from Bonnie's page. Or really, anyone who may read this and want to play, just let me know, because I love to read others' responses. It's kind of a cool way to get to know someone.

My Kailey

2008-04-19T22:20:00.003-06:00

So okay. This post is all about my fabulosity, Kailey.

I am not sure how exactly I missed giving birth to her, but I must have had some really good drugs, because I don't remember the actual pregnancy, birth, nor the giving of her to the Nicholls family. But somehow, some way it MUST have happened. Because she is me, except younger and cuter.

So this is her.

Awww....she's so cute and sweet. Totally cheerleader.

Now this. This is a picture showing the REAL Kailey. I love this picture. Her true personality is BLAZING through in this one.

Oh yeah. That right there says it all.

The above pictured gun is apparently what Kailey did for her senior project. She built that AR-15. Like BUILT it. That also gives some insight into her awesomosity. I love her, she's great.

She is an enigma. She looks like a cheerleader, but has the personality of Adolf Hitler. Actually, she looks all Aryan too, like maybe Hitler created her in his laboratory.

When she first started working with me, she says I hated her. I didn't. I was just afraid she would start crying if I looked at or talked to her because she looked like such a prissy little princess. Ha. Little did I know.

People think I am mean, which I kind of am, but I got nothing on Kailey. She is easily as mean if not meaner than me, and she's only 18! Which means by the time she is my age she will be ready for world domination. Of which I will be glad, because believe you me, when that happens, stupid is gonna hurt.

It took me 38 years but I found my evil twin. I could not have created someone more like me on purpose. She says totally funny things that make me laugh more than anyone. She makes my work totally fun even though the wicked witch and her flying monkey get all butt hurt when we laugh. Like it's our fault we are so much more fabulous than they are?

The name Kailey so does not fit her. Kailey is a bouncy sweet rah-rah, i love everyone and yay team kind of name. I kind of think her name should be Gretchen. Or possibly Marge.

A boy at work said she looks like a cheerleader until she opens her mouth. Yeah, that's so totally true, even though he is stupid as ever and that's the only smart thing I have ever heard him say.

She totally "gets it." Like I don't even have to say anything, I can just look at her and she knows what I am thinking, most times I will look but then I don't dare look again because she will make me laugh out loud. There have been a couple of times where I actually have slipped and laughed right at a customer because Kailey is standing there and I know she is thinking almost exactly what I am thinking.

So yeah, I pretty much thank my lucky everything every single day that I found her, or that she found me, or whatever. Work and my life would suck suck suck without her. A lot lot lot.

Fridays Feast...On Saturday.

2008-04-19T08:45:00.002-06:00

~Appetizer~
Name a color you find soothing.

Blue.

~Soup~
Using 20 or less words, describe your first driving experience.

Oh wow. Me? Horses Ass. My siblings? Giggling Assholes. Says it all.

~Salad~
What material is your favorite item of clothing made out of?

Cotton.

~Main Course~
Who is a great singer or musician who, if they were to come to your town for a concert, you would spend the night outside waiting for tickets to see?

Oh man. I want to say someone, but in reality, there is not much I would spend the night outside to see. What can I say? I am lazy and I love sleep.

~Dessert~
What is the most frequent letter of the alphabet in your whole name (first, middle, maiden, last, etc.)?

Looks like the N's have it. That sucks. I hate N.

Love it or Hate it?

2008-04-09T22:45:00.006-06:00

LOVE IT...

It's Ian Ziering. He's hot. Yes, I know he was on Beverly Hills 90210, but don't judge him. He has a great smile.

Karl Malone. He deserted us. But he still has great guns. The thing with Karl is this. He's hot. Until he opens his mouth. Or smiles. Plus he's kind of a big whiny baby. I still love him, but if I were actually out somewhere with him in public, I would probably have to say, "don't say anything, just stand there and look pretty. And put your hand on my boob."

Gil Grissom. Hot and smart. Love him, especially bearded him. He hardly ever smiles, that's awesome.

Chris Farley. Man, nothing attracts me more than a man who can make me laugh. Plus I usually like men who are bigger than me. I would have married you Chris, you didn't have to go to prostitutes and be a crackhead. Damn you.

Cosmo Kramer. Again, big part of the attraction here, makes me laugh.

Stephen King. Damn, what a dork. But I love him. I want to marry you Stephen, so you can tell me stories every night while I fall asleep. I would love to have just one conversation with this guy, my mind boggles at his genius. And that's attractive.

Steven Tyler....Yes, he's ass. A lot. Probably one of the uglier members of the male species, but holy hell, is he sexy. Just something about him.

HATE IT...

Jack Black. Dude, there will NEVER be another Chris Farley. Get over it.

Ryan Seacrest. He bugs me.

George W. Hate him, and not because he is an unattractive person. Because he is stupid. And a jackass.

Oh Luke Perry. For starters, you could screen a movie on his forehead. Also, he weighs about a hundred pounds, and I just can't get bothered about a guy with a 22-inch waist.

Captain Jack Sparrow. You know, not being much into pirates or these stupid movies, I won't pretend to understand their hygiene situation, but damn, it's called soap, look into it.

Justin Timberlake. Ugh, I don't think I even need to say anything. This fabulous picture says it all for me. Wait, I lied. "Hey, Timberlake, you're WHITE. Deal with it."

You Go Wendi...

2008-04-06T22:09:00.002-06:00

This is an actual letter written by Wendi Aarons of Texas to Proctor & Gamble. It was chosen as PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter. It makes me laugh.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Update on my NEW keyboard!

2008-04-06T19:10:00.004-06:00

The other night, being bugged beyond belief by my stupid S key being not so good, I decide to just get it over with and call Dell. After all, I do have a warranty, I was just fairly sure that it did not cover accidents caused by 2 year olds.

I really hate talking to tech support persons who don't speak English very well. I feel stupid when I have to keep saying "what?" I despise it. But I am desperate. So at 1 in the morning I decide to bite the bullet and call.

When I get a hold of them, the automated lady (which is an entirely different problem I have) tells me that my estimated wait is 18 minutes. Dammit. But wait, the automated lady is telling me I can do this online with a live chat with a tech support member. I decide to try this, why not? I might as well do something while I am waiting for 18 minutes. I click on the "live chat" link and a new window opens up and MOHIT signs on to talk with me.

Mohit proceeds to do some sort of online magic, between his (her?)computer and mine to find out what computer I am using, and my account and warranty information. When that is established Mohit asks me to describe the problem.

I didn't want to necessarily LIE, but I started saying my S key and space bar were messed up and the F3 key is falling off. I don't exactly mention why they aren't working, but before I am even done explaining, Mohit says "Tracy in this case, we will send you a new keyboard."

The Hell? I didn't even have to try and decide whether or not to lie and say it came this way, he/she didn't even ask how it happened.

So I say okay, he/she asks for my address to verify, sends me a link with instructions on how to change it when it gets here, tells me 3-5 business days and asks me if there is anything else he/she can help me with. Wow! Seriously 5 minutes from start to finish with the live chat.

Dell called Saturday morning and the automated lady informed me the part had been shipped. I am expecting it to be here tomorrow, which means I am happy. A lot.

I highly reccommend the live chat in any situations where it is possible. I could tell a little that Mohit's first language was not English, but not EVEN as noticeable as it would be in a real conversation. It was super easy and super fast, with no language barrier AT ALL. I will definitely use this function from now on.

So YAY ME! YAY MOHIT! YAY DELL! But mostly, YAY ME!

Friday's Feast. Yay!

2008-04-03T21:29:00.002-06:00

Appetizer
Invent a new flower; give it a name and describe it.

Wow. My first Friday's feast and I get this question. I am not creative enough to think of this.

Soup
Name someone whom you think has a wonderful voice.

Kat Von D. I LOVE the way her voice sounds, like she has been screaming for hours. Kirstie Alley also has a voice like this.

Salad
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how clean do you keep your car?

Probably anywhere from 5-8. I try and keep it clean, my kids seem to use it as a garbage dump.

Main Course
How do you feel about poetry?

I don't mind some poetry as long as it makes me feel something. If it's the kind where it's so confusing and no one really knows what the meaning is, but everyone sits around and gets all angsty about it, then no thanks.

Dessert
What was the last person/place/thing you took a picture of?

No surprise here, but I took a picture of Miss Piper while she was sleeping last night.

My happy.

2008-04-03T18:40:00.009-06:00

It's pretty well established that I have no life. Therefore, I derive much of my entertainment from the tv. I'm proud of it. This is a huge happy night for me because of this:

And This...

That's right, it's the casts of CSI:Crime Scene Investigation & Without A Trace, returning tonight after what I think was around 10 years of writers strike.

It's about time. It's been a long boring spell of reruns for me. Well, and Bret Michaels: Rock of Love 2.

Incidentally, If I were ever going to, you know, "play for the other team" this would hopefully be my life partner.

Ah, Catherine Willows...my tv girlfriend.

**The above is in no way meant to imply that I am a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that. However, just because I am heterosexual does not mean I don't appreciate the hotness of certain women. **

My workplace scares me. A lot.

2008-04-03T17:55:00.005-06:00

I continue to be plagued by high school robots and cheerleaders, but whereas before, it was mostly the girl robots and cheerleaders who were being and saying stupid things, an unsettling new trend is on the horizon. The boys seem to be coming from behind, trying their damndest to take the title. I don’t even know. But they’re dumb.

Por Exemplo:

1. A boy walks up to the counter and decides to maximize his jackassery by giving me hand signals to help describe to me what he is seeking, which was cheese bread. Which by the way, we have not made since the start of summer. When we did make it, it was made like a pizza, cut into triangles. So this boy, who has his hair bleached the color of a wet floor sign, starts doing some kind of strange robot/stroke/i’m choking on my own vomit hand gestures which were, I suppose, meant to indicate cheese bread.

At this point, I say to Kailey, "what the HELL was that?" The boy then says something blah blah, GOOD GODFREY! blah blah, JUST BECAUSE I’M IN HIGH SCHOOL DOESN’T MEAN I’M DUMB."

Oh you foolish little ass...I beg to differ.

Some other random boys. These boys come in EVERY day, I am not kidding. They run from the front door all 4-year-old like and push and shove each other around causing mayhem and confusion while they wait. Well, sometime between the time they order their lunch and the next day, the hard drive is erased and they seem to have forgotten everything about their previous experiences. So they decide to ask us how much Orange Chicken is. To hell with the fact that they have eaten it every day since 9th grade, to hell with the fact that the prices are CLEARLY posted. It’s a brand new day for these genuises.

They ask,"how much is orange chicken?" Kailey and I proceed to tell them it is $200 per pound. Which of course leaves them speechless while their ears send this information slowly to their overworked brains. Then, because Kailey and I are such nice girls and are never mean or sarcastic to these particular boys, their brains send back the signal that of course, this must be true. That’s right, they believed. I should have told them to drink the "magic" kool-aid.

Gymnasts. All of them.

Earlier in the week one of my least favorite frequent fliers, BOBO, came in. She is actually called Bobo 2, but that’s a different story. So anyway, Bobo comes in, rides her cart over to the deli where I am putting chicken into the hot case. Now, only fresh chicken goes into the hot case. Dur. We fry it, then bring it up front on a cart, and throw it in the hot case.

Bobo, being the annoying tool she is, asks me, "do you have any FRESH chicken?" Well, i don’t know, Bobo, is 3000 degrees and still SCREAMING from the indignities of being breaded and fried FRESH enough for you?

She gets a 10-piece and proceeds to motor away, presumably to annoy someone else, but alas, it isn’t long before she is back to bother me again by making me walk up to the front to hand her a soda cup, although all our cups are where customers can help themselves and she could have reached her own had she been willing to I don't know, stand up from the electric cart she is riding around the store.

She can walk fine, I have seen her do it one day when someone WHO COULDN'T WALK had the carts, but she will ride the cart if she can, which makes me mad because I have seen several people that seriously could barely walk but they were walking because BoBo, who can walk as well as I can was hogging up the cart. She's like a little kid. I did not see her again that day, but something tells me i haven’t seen the back of her. And that something is the fact that i see her damn near every day.

Some stupid man. Our special on Monday was Chicken Fajitas. We fixed one up and cut it in bite size pieces and set it on the counter so our awesome and super smart customers could sample it if they were so inclined. Why? I don’t know, all it did was provide a forum for more questions. Not a good move.

Anyway, said stupid man walks up, asks what the special is, is told what the special is, again, in full view of a "TODAYS SPECIAL" sign. After being told what the special is, he asks if these samples are of the special. We say yes. He asks, "is it good?" When informed that he is more than welcome to try the samples to see if in fact, it is good, he gets a look on his face like we had informed him we had just killed a kitten. He managed an amazing I’m going to cry/puke/i just peed on my shoes look. I couldn’t help myself, I was quite fascinated with his facial expression. In the end he decided he would just get the special, without even trying it. I feel I have to give him points for keeping Kristi and myself fully occupied for at least 5 minutes. Well played, sir. Well played.

The point thus far? Boys are dumb.

In other deli news, Jessica our Princess of Pirate Whore Island manager had her baby last week. At home. In her bathtub. With her other six kids watching.

Then she brought the baby to Lee’s to visit the next morning when the baby was 10 hours old. In the winter. With her husband(who is not the babydaddy).

The new baby’s name is Destini Rose. I am pretty sure she is going to have to start stripping as soon as legally possible. In fact, I might buy her a teeny pair of pasties and a little baby pole, just to move along what is pretty much inevitable given her name.

All this and my hell, it’s only Wednesday. How did my life end up like this?

I got a Basketball John...

2008-04-02T00:20:00.002-06:00

This is a video of one of the few moments in basketball where I nearly peed my pants and got tears in my eyes at the same time.

I, like everyone, get pissed at bad calls, "unfair refs", stupid shots etc. but I usually remain fairly calm and mostly immobile on the couch unless it's down to the wire and it's a real ass clencher. Then I sit up. But THIS? This was me jumping up and down screaming, running out into the driveway and screaming some more.It's special to me not only as a long time John Stockton & Utah Jazz fan, but for personal reasons as well. This one will go down in history for me as BEST. SHOT. EVER.

Now seriously, don't send me messages saying "But Tracy! John Stockton was the dirtiest player in the NBA LOL!11!!!!11!"

I don't want to hear what a dirty player he was, how he set illegal picks and elbowed other players in the kidneys. I don't want to hear what a flopper he was, I don't want to hear about his tiny shorts. Believe me, in 25 years as a Jazz fan, I have heard them all. I don't want to hear that he hit the shot in this video because Malone set an illegal screen on Clyde Drexler, I've heard it before.

Drexler and Barkley were PWNED by Stockton and Malone. Neither Barkley or Drexler was in their rookie season, they had each had PLENTY of experience playing against Utah. Seriously, did they honestly think Malone would NOT set a huge screen, legal or otherwise and that Bryon Russell would NOT inbound the ball to a WIDE OPEN John Stockton, one of the best shooters on the team? Please. PLEASE.I could have called that play in.

Say what you will (just not to me) but John Stockton is THE best point guard to ever play the game.

Talk amongst yourselves...

My karma? Not so good.

2008-04-01T21:52:00.006-06:00

I am a big believer in karma. I totally subscribe to the "what goes around comes around" theory. That being said, I am not sure what possessed me to laugh at naughty things other peoples children do. One set of children in particular who have done several, well ok a lot, of things that I have laughed and laughed at. I have been laughing all week at my cousins son, D-Man because he painted up their house with purple paint. Hilarious right? Yeah, I thought so too.

Among other things, they have poured a gallon of milk down the stairs, poured bleach down the laundry chute, hijacked their parents first aid kit and cut a hole in their tent with tiny scissors, pushed the screens out the window into the back yard in order to "see the outside", poured nail polish in each others hair and unscrewed and took the striker plates off the doors. And most of this is just recently. They are actually pretty awesome kids and I love them. However, laughing was my downfall. And laugh I did.

Karma bit me right in the butt earlier tonight when my princess, Piper, pulled half the keys off my laptop. That I have had less than a month. That I haven't even made the first payment on.
I left the room and she pulled a chair over to where it was sitting on the counter, opened it and when I walked back in was flipping the keys off and throwing them behind the couch. Hilarious right? Not so much.

We got the keys back on and they mostly work ok. Some of them she actually broke the piece under the key so there was really no way to fix them. The space bar is weird, it's kind of hard to push, the !/1 key is weird, and the S key is messed up a little as is the left hand SHIFT key. You have to push them really hard or they don't work. You know, those keys you don't use a whole lot, like SHIFT or space. Or S. I never really paid attention to how many words actually contain the letter S, but it's a lot.

I don't know if I should send it back to Dell and have them fix the whole keyboard. I hate to have this problem with it when I just barely got it, but I don't know how much that would even cost, I'm sure it's more money that I actually have right now. Also, if you have ever called Dell's tech support, you know that the chances of getting anyone whose first language is English are slim to none. I hate calling their tech support. So I am not sure what to do now, but I am a really sad panda.

And Bonnie, if you are reading this, please laugh and laugh. Laugh 'til you puke. Then call your friends and family and tell them and laugh some more. Then call me up and laugh like a big old donkey into the phone. Seriously. I deserve it.

Oh and if anyone is interested in a baby girl, I just might be persuaded to sell her to the first person who shows up with a 6-pack of Mountain Dew and a package of goldfish crackers.

"Love Never Dies"

2008-04-01T15:10:00.002-06:00

All of a sudden it ended in divorce
my parents marriage took a turn for the worse
with three small children and not a nickel to spare
mom turned to the one who would always be there
she was gram from the time that she opened the door
but she was a grandma, a mother and so much more
as i got older i couldn't understand
in every other house there was some guy called Dad
while all my friends got new baseball gloves
I was busy learning a thing called love
I still to this day see her curling her hair
trying to watch M.A.S.H. but falling asleep in her chair
by 5 a.m. she was up the next day
ready for work and then on her way
I'll never forget the words that she said
when she came home early with her hand on her head
"you better take me to the hospital" then i knew it was bad
but i had no idea of the problems she had
being told theres no hope, i think thats what did it
she knew what was coming but would never admit it
she fought for awhile brave and strong
but cancer had been spreading way too long
on december 9th i knew as i kissed her
that the messenger angel had been there and whispered
"hold on dear child soon this will end
the pain the suffering, now take my hand"
it was with her last breath and the look in her eyes
i knew in my heart that Love Never Dies

I believe deep down that i'll see you again
when i get to those gates will you let me in?
I just want to see you and hold you once more
I know that i will when i walk through that door

in every other house there was some guy called Dad
I felt sorry for those kids because they never had Gram

L.N.D
-D-

Tracy's No Good, Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad Day.

2008-04-01T11:46:00.013-06:00

So okay. Say what you will about how you hate cats. Laugh and make jokes about how the only good cat is a dead cat. But then don’t stand around all Surprisey McWhatTheHellHappened face when I blow up your house.

Anyway, last week. Tuesday. Bad day. Early Tuesday morning I let my cat outside. Normally he goes out and does his thing, then comes back. When I say "his thing" don’t assume I mean nasty things, he’s been fixed, because like Bob Barker told me to do, I have my pets spayed or neutered. He just goes out to pee and stuff. Then returns. Except not this time. He never came back and still wasn’t back at 7, when I got up for work.

This may not seem like a long time, but this is a 13 year old, lazy fat cat who doesn’t get too far from his food bowl. Ever. So he has been gone 6 hours and I am freaking out.

Here is his picture. His name is Tabasco and he is pretty damn fabulous. He has thumbs, which is proving quite handy for the lessons i am giving him in how to shoot a rifle. Anyway...

He’s my baby. Don’t judge me.

With Tabasco on the missing list, I have to go to work. Lee’s Marketplace stops for no one. Plus their flour is too damn expensive. My son Nick is home and supposed to be canvassing the neighborhood in search of Tabasco, but I suspect he may have confused "canvass the neighborhood" with "don’t move out from in front of your playstation for any reason." I don’t know, just a hunch.

Then my mom calls and tells me there is a smashed black cat on the highway about 6 blocks from my house, which sends me into a minor panic. She says she will check it out and report back, so i stand by the phone and freak out. At this point my co-workers start to make fun of me for being upset about my cat. Yes, they can all bite me.

So my mom calls back and says the aforementioned smashed cat, whose intestines were incidentally coming out its butt, is definitely NOT Tabasco because of the notable absence of thumbs. Relief. But he is still missing.

It’s at this time that I call Animal Control, who says he will keep an eye out for him and asks me for a description. After giving a 5 minute description of the cat, he asks me if there are any distinguishing characteristics about him. My hell you fool, i just told you, HE HAS THUMBS! And he is as big as a Volkswagen Beetle.

Then I call around to the vet’s offices in town, of which there are many. No one has seen him. The panic level dials up to eleven, but I decided since I am at work, i should maybe, i don’t know, do some work. Which brings us to...

Vicki. Dear, sweet, socially retarded Vicki. I work with her. She's crazy.

So she chooses this time to come tell me about how she "heard" about this roving band of crazy devil worshippers who are going around Logan and kidnapping (catnapping?) black cats to use in satanic rituals. Gosh, thank you Vicki! Ever so comforting. Jackass.

I work some more. I should mention this stupid cheerleader who came in and ordered a drink with her meal. We just give them the cup, they get their own soda, as it has been since probably before this little girl was born. As it is EVERY DAY when she gets her drink with her "dumb girl special." So she says "i want a drink." When she is asked "which one" because 4 sizes of cups are sitting right in front of her face, she replies "um...Sprite?" Gah. What the hell are they teaching in that high school?

Back to my trauma. Before Vicki finishes her 3 hour shift to go out in the store and do her marathon 3 hour shopping, she tells me about the time her fish died. And how she was crying and crying. I don’t get this woman at all. GIL GRISSOM HASN’T CALLED, AS FAR AS I KNOW, MY CAT HAS NOT BEEN CONFIRMED DEAD YOU ASS, STOP TELLING ME YOUR DEAD ANIMAL STORIES, IT ISN’T HELPING.

I have heard this fish story before. The fish was 14 years old and she was so sad when it died that she was crying at work like the crazy old fool she is. At the time, I was trying not to laugh in her pig face so I walked away and didn’t get the whole story. Well today, lucky me, I get details.
When she told me the first time, I was picturing some cute little cool fish in my head, you know, like a clownfish or something. Something you might actually enjoy and like looking at. Like this.

But no. No, no, no. Not for our girl Vicki. I find out to my utter dismay that the fish we are talking about is a Plecostamus. Yeah, the sucker fish. Which looks like this...(and this is a pretty damn good looking one as far as these ugly things go.)

Oh wait. That's Keith Richards. THIS is the Plecostamus.

(by the way, this is GERALD, and his owner seems to have an entire webpage chronicling his activities, which is assosity in the extreme. Whatever.)

Anyway, Vicki's dead 14 year old fish is the sucker fish. If you have ever seen one up close you know why this is freaking me out. Everyone knows they are a necessary evil in a fish tank, just as everyone knows they are the mockery and the lowest rung on the ladder in the fish kingdom. No one likes them. They suck.

Why she thinks its appropriate to compare her stupid pond scum sucking assfish to my awesome and super bad ass cat is beyond me.

I finally leave work and come home to spend a few hours yelling for Tabasco and walking around my neighborhood looking in ditches for him, with no success. My brother even came over to help me look since Tabasco used to be his baby until he was adopted into the House of Fabulous.

Around 6 that night, I finally come in the house and am just trying to get stuff done but not really concentrating much.

And then! There is a knock at my door and my neighbor Mark (who because of this incident might be my new boyfriend) is standing there with Tabasco!! My hell! I was so excited I screamed and did the pee-pee dance. Tabasco jumped out of Mark’s arms and ran like his ass was ablaze to his food. Which he then proceeded to eat for around 2 hours. Between sleeping that is.

I don’t know where he was, he won’t tell me, but he has shown absolutely no interest in going out again since so it must not have been the great time he thought it would be.

Ok, this blog is really long and not so much funny, which normally isn’t my style so i will end it here by saying Tabasco has an appointment tomorrow to get microchipped. Don’t judge me.